In 2017 Curtis and I decided to try for another baby.
Curtis always wanted kids closer in age, but I just wasn’t ready to have a second child. It was a conversation that we would often have, and for the longest time, I kept saying no. Finally, when Ella turned 4. Something in me realized she was getting older, no longer a baby.
I wanted to have another baby. I wanted her to grow up having a brother or a sister.
Right away, we started to try to have another baby. And surprisingly, it happened so fast! I was pregnant in October 2017. We were so excited! We told our families right away. My pregnancy with Ella was so perfect that I didn’t realize most people wait to tell their friends and family until after the first trimester because of the complications that could happen, but I didn’t think that could happen to me. There was no way anything would happen. November 4th. I remember this day so clearly. It was Bedlam. If you are from Oklahoma, then you know. (BOOMER SOONER!) We went to Curtis’s parent’s house for the big football game.
I felt different that day…
I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Later that day I went to use the bathroom and there was a little blood. So immediately I got on google. Don’t. Ever. Do. That. I tried to stay calm because we were with friends and family. But as the day went on, the bleeding got worse. I decided to go to the ER with my mom. I was so scared and just couldn’t stop crying. I just had this feeling that it wasn’t good. I was bleeding so heavily by this time. Nurses came in, did ultrasounds, and took my blood. They couldn’t tell me anything. Of course. The wait continued. Finally, the doctor told me what I already knew deep down. Miscarriage. I was 5 weeks. It’s a feeling that is so hard to process. I don’t think anyone really knows unless it happens to them. One day you are pregnant, excited, dreaming of who that baby will be, talking about names if it’s a boy or a girl. And the next, you feel empty, confused, in denial. How can the baby be gone? No explanation of why? That was it—nothing you can do about it but go home and tell your friends and family that there will be no baby.
I immediately wanted to try again for a baby. But my doctor recommended that we wait a couple of months for my body to get back to a normal cycle.
We decided to try again. This time the excitement wasn’t there as much as the first time. We were scared.
I had to travel to California for work. But on that work trip, I just felt off the entire time. I kept getting car sick, and I never get car sick. As soon as I got home from that trip, I took a pregnancy test. Positive. We were excited but reserved. We didn’t share it with our friends and family. We wanted to wait. At 10 weeks I miscarried again. We were so shattered. Why was this happening? We didn’t understand. My pregnancy with Ella was perfect. I had no complications. After this miscarriage, I didn’t want to try again right away. I was just so heartbroken.
August 2018. I was pregnant again. I would be due in May! May is my favorite month. It’s Ella’s birthday, It’s my birthday, it’s Mother’s Day, and now it would be our baby’s birth month! When we found out our due date Curtis was like how am I gonna afford everything in May? Haha! We decided not to tell our friends and family. We waited until we got through our first trimester. So around 12 weeks we told our family. But I still wanted to wait to tell our friends and to announce on any social media. At 16 weeks it was Thanksgiving we decided to announce we were pregnant again! We announced to everyone, and it felt so good to tell people finally! I had spent the last 16 weeks keeping a secret.
December 2nd, 2018. The day we got to find out what our baby was going to be! I wore the fluffiest pink sweater. I had it picked out for this day because I knew it was a girl! That morning, Curtis and I called our family and told them that we wouldn’t call them after the ultrasound and not to call us… because we were planning to tell them what the gender was after we told Ella and we were going to send out a video. I knew if anyone called us and talked to Curtis, they would know what it was. He so badly wanted a boy; he is the only boy in his family. I so badly wanted another girl. I was a girl mom!
We got to our appointment early, so we hung out in the car and waited and just talked about what our baby was going to be. We were so happy!
Finally, it was time to go in! At this appointment, I was only going to see the ultrasound tech. At my previous appointment my doctor said she would see me at my next appointment after the holidays. She said that if she saw anything in the ultrasound that she would just call me.
The ultrasound tech came out and called us back. I remember feeling so nervous, but excited!! The ultrasound started. There our baby was, moving around like crazy! We were having small talk as the tech was looking at baby, telling us what she was looking at and taking measurements.
She asked us if we wanted to know the gender,
and we said YES!
But the little one was a bit stubborn. So the tech had me get up and walk around and use the bathroom. I came back in and she started the ultrasound again. It was a GIRL!! I remember just crying and looking aver at Curtis, who was in disbelief. Once again, he was going to be the only boy in a house full of girls! The ultrasound tech gave us our pictures of our baby girl and asked when was the next time I would see my dr. I told her December 31st. She said, “ok, I am going to go see if she wants to see you” after that, I just had this feeling come over me; it’s hard to explain. My mind was turning. Why does she need to go see if she wants to see me? I already had my next appointment set up. What felt like eternity but probably only about 5 minutes. My doctor came in. The first thing I asked her was, “Is everything ok?” And she says, “well no” I looked over at Curtis, who was confused, and I just started crying, and this numbness came over me. It’s like I blacked out. Only hearing words like “not compatible for life,” “her brain isn’t developing,” “she won’t survive.”
Those next few days, Curtis and I had to process what was happening. Those days I remember being so dark. I didn’t get out of bed for days. Our beautiful baby girl had Anencephaly. A defect in the formation of a baby’s neural tube. Most babies with this condition are stillborn or live for only a few hours up to a couple of days.
We made an appointment with a specialist to confirm what my doctor had told us, but part of us was just praying for a miracle. How could this happen? She was our rainbow baby after two miscarriages. It all just felt like a horrible nightmare, and I remember being so angry at God. Why would he let this happen? Why give me a baby to take her right back? I didn’t understand. We got the confirmation. “Your baby does have Anencephaly.”
December 20th, 2018. At 21 weeks, I had our beautiful baby girl Holland Gray Knight. We were so heartbroken; we lost our baby girl. Ella lost her sister; she didn’t fully understand. But kids have a way of saying the perfect things. One night when it was just Ella and me sitting on the couch. I was crying, Ella touched my face and said “mom, don’t cry Holland is in Heaven with God, and God will give you a baby next year for Christmas” Gosh I love that girl.
We had a beautiful little celebration for our girl. I just imagine her up in Heaven in my papa’s arms watching over us, and that brings me so much comfort until we reunite in Heaven.
We didn’t want to give up on having another baby. I more than ever wanted another baby. My heart needed it, but I also didn’t want people judging me for wanting another baby so soon. “You just lost your baby,” “maybe it’s not meant to be,” “be happy that you have a daughter,” “so many people don’t even have that” Those are just a few of the comments I heard.
May 2019. Mother’s Day weekend. What was supposed to be Hollands due date. I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive; Holland had given me the best Mother’s Day present! We kept this pregnancy a secret from our friends and family this time until I was 16 weeks. After our first specialist appointment. This pregnancy was considered high risk. We had to see my OBGYN and a specialist every 4-6 weeks. At 20 weeks we found out we were having a BOY! And everything was looking so good. He was healthy.
No one can prepare you for those appointments after losing a baby. At each appointment, I was overwhelmed with anxiety; thankfully I had Curtis with me for every specialist appointment. He was my rock; I couldn’t handle it by myself. But every appointment we got good news. My last specialist appointment was at 32 weeks! Hallelujah! At 38 weeks January 8th, 2020, I had our beautiful baby boy, Kash Robert Knight. He is healthy and the most perfect baby. Holland was there the entire time watching over us, I could feel her, and I know she picked out her baby brother for us. His birth story is for another blog because that alone is a crazy beautiful story! And I can’t wait to share!
It hasn’t been an easy journey for us. The last couple of years have been filled with loss, darkness, confusion, and questioning my faith in God. But here we are two years later, with our beautiful family. The storms have cleared, and we have our rainbow. We might not know the reasons why things happen. But I am a stronger woman, a stronger mother, mine and Curtis’ relationship is stronger, and my faith in God is stronger because of it.